“They’re Ratf*cking Themselves?” An Imaginary Interview with Richard Nixon from the Great Beyond

Interviewer: Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, Mr. President. I know you are a very busy man.

Nixon: Busy? In this mother fucking cocksucking do-nothing afterlife? My father taught me to wake up at dawn and never waste a second or it’s out to the woodshed for a proper lesson. My mother taught me not to be a crybaby. Well, up here I have nothing to do with my time EXCEPT cry. Like a baby.

Interviewer: I’m sorry to hear that, Mr. President. I wanted to talk to you about the current state of American politics. You know about Donald Trump, right?

Nixon: I heard a little about it, yeah. Poppy Bush filled me in. The horror, the horror. Does he really do all that to his hair? Every morning? All that? What does he do, shit on a golden toilet? He eats Taco Bell? He married a communist?

Interviewer: Well-some of that is true …

Nixon: You’d never see a grown man taking that much time to primp and preen in my day, I’ll tell you that. Slick it back, man, accept that it’s gone and get on with things. You didn’t see Dick Nixon crying about his hairline or combing over his hairline. No sir, Dick Nixon took it like a man. And liked it. No furs for my wife. My Pat had a cloth coat. A plain cloth coat that she wore with pride. Now look at them, the republicans. It’s fur and gold toilets.

Interviewer: Right. Yes. I agree. So do you think the democrats should impeach Donald Trump for obstruction of justice?

Nixon: Put it this way, if the democrats COULD they should but the democrats can’t. Everyone knows this.

Interviewer: How so?

Nixon: They’re dumb sons of bitches, that’s why. The joke’s always on them. Even now, you’d think they’d be over the moon they had a guy like Joe Biden polling so well. But no, it’s not good enough for them. They grumble and groan and whine all because …why? He doesn’t make them feel cool enough? Doesn’t inspire the Prius driving, yoga primed, organic food eating, composting super wokes? How stupid do you have to be to ratfuck your own candidate?

Interviewer: Well, I for one am impressed you are so up to date on American life, Mr. President.

Nixon: Like I said, there isn’t much to do around here. There isn’t even Netflix. Even the millennials seem seem interesting compared.

Interviewer: So what do you mean ratfucking their own candidate?

Nixon: Biden is where Edmund Muskie was when we fudged around with the Canuck letter, sent the whole thing ass over elbow and those sons of bitches never saw it coming. Muskie could beat me, see, was polling higher than me and a threat — he could have taken me out after just one term. But I was never going to let that happen. Got Donald Segretti and Ken Clawson on the case and that was that. The chips fell from there and we got those miserable sons of bitches actually believing McGovern had a shot — and you know how that turned out.

Interviewer: Yes, of course, sir, it was a —

Nixon: LANDSLIDE VICTORY FOR RICHARD M. NIXON. We won every state except Massachusetts. Too bad I didn’t hold onto congress maybe I’d never have had to resign. Those miserable sons of bitches had nothing on me. Nothing. Point is, democrats are easy to ratfuck. I just never thought I’d see the day that they’d ratfuck their own frontrunner, the one guy best able to beat Donald Trump. All Stoney has to do now is amplify that fracture in the party and boom. Done and done.

Interviewer: How would you define ratfucking for those who might not know?

Nixon: It was how my much smarter team fucked around with the other, dumber side. It wasn’t even that hard. We posed as protesters and pretended to protest the democrats. We sent letters. We stirred up trouble anywhere and everywhere we could. See, the problem with you bleeding hearts is that you want to look good more than you care about anything else. You want people to think you’re honorable and such and such.

But that makes you easily corruptable. It’s a hundred times worse now, or so Poppy Bush told me — all that ass slapping got him into some 11th hour hot water. So all you have to do is poke around at that whole “I am shimmering soul, pure to my core” situation and it’s easy. The whole tribe eats their own. Ratfucking. Fun stuff, man, fun stuff.

Interviewer: Is that how it went down in 1972?

Nixon: And in 1968. The same clusterfuck in the democratic party you see now, when that Clinton dame ran, the same thing. Division in the party torn between the base of democratic voters who always vote consensus and the new blood that want to reinvent the wheel. The only surprising thing is that they’re about to repeat exactly the same mistake. They’re going to try to reach for a revolution instead of sticking with the thing that makes voters feel safe. There are two things you need to win an election — I’d say charisma but since old Dicky won without it we can table that for now — no, you need to be able to sell American exceptionalism — like four words on a red hat — AND you need to make Americans feel safe. In his own cockamamie way Trump has successful done both.

The democrats are afraid of Trump not because of the lies he tells or the bad things he does. They’re afraid of what he represents. That he has sent all of them into bouts of mass hysteria, thinking everyone is a racist or a rapist. So naturally they would only want a woman or a “person of color” as you all say now, because that is how they want to change America. But most of America doesn’t think like that. Most of America still wants what they always wanted. To feel great and to get rich. All Americans, men, women, black, white, brown, Jew, Christian…Kennedy….The democrats don’t know who they are as a whole big group. They do nothing but attack each other, devour themselves. How can anyone unite them? Anyway, if it’s me, I’d fracture out the Biden thing, help them ratfuck themselves and push a weaker candidate to the top, like Lizzie Warren. Trump will wipe up the floor with her. Or that Beto out of Texas. You think these folks can win in places like Biden can? Please.

Interviewer: But don’t the democrats always push a candidate that can’t win? Like Mondale? Or Dukakis or Hillary Clinton?

Nixon: As I said, the democrats — not the smartest french fries in the happy meal. But it is what it is. You still have to win the primary to win the general and all of these folks had momentum. With more than a little ratfucking going on behind the scenes, no doubt. But the republicans know how to win because we show up to play on game day. We do whatever it takes. Look at how we’ve lost all honor, dignity and credibility bowing like weaker monkeys to King Trump! We did that because we like winning. Democrats are crippled by their need to be pure. And good.

Interviewer: You don’t think someone other than Biden can win?

Nixon: Like who? Look, pal, you either play it to win or don’t bother showing up. Which one of that ragtag group of bleeding hearts can actually win in states like Arizona, Florida AND Pennsylvania? And why would want to run someone who couldn’t? Oh right, I forgot. Because, as usual with the democrats, it’s not about winning but about changing the world, telling people how they should be instead of celebrating them as they are. Let me tell you a little something about winning, my friend, Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.

Interviewer: Can the democrats impeach Trump instead?

Nixon: Trump is a tragedy. Had everything handed to him, born with a silver spoon up his ass. Dick Nixon never got anything handed to him. Dick Nixon worked for every dime and every dollar. I scrabbled my way to the top with good old fashioned American grit. And a little cheating here and there. Rich brats like Trump don’t know from struggle or grit. They just know how to get away with murder. I know Roger Stone has a hard-on for him but he’s sort of a clown, if you get my drift. Not a lot going on upstairs. He’s not really capable of actually committing obstruction of justice. You have to understand what justice is before you obstruct it. Legally? With the senate licking Trump’s asshole? Is this actually a question?

Interviewer: So he did obstruct.

Nixon: Does it matter? What kind of candy asses have you all become down there anyway? THAT IDIOT WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT. How much worse can it possibly get? How much lower can you sons of bitches get? The senate won’t remove him from office so all you’re looking at is something for Rachel Maddow to chew on for the next 12 months. Something for the cameras and news shows and Twitter to chase. And trust me, while you are fiddling around with that Trump’s team will be figuring out his re-election, starting with helping the democrats trash Biden.

Interviewer: Well, they’re hoping for the first woman or a person of color — just not another white male.

Nixon: Then they are not playing the game to win. They are playing the game to teach society a lesson about fairness. That’s not how you win. Politics isn’t fair. Hell, life isn’t fair. Do you think it’s fair I had to lose to Kennedy and then resign? Nothing about this life is fair. The Buddhists know this. Life is suffering, they say. Start there.

Interviewer: Any last words Mr. President?

Nixon: Just remember, when you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Trump has all of you by the balls and sooner or later your hearts and minds will follow.